To, or not to

So you woke up today and thought, “Life has got to be more than this.” Could last night have been the last time? Is the fence heavy enough to hold your weight? Or, are you actually ready to find the ways and means to begin changing your life?

The world of addiction owes no one anything. So many people get caught up in the lifestyle around their addiction, that even if they want to quit the habit, there are so many other aspects that need to be changed as well. For instance, gambling addicts have accumulated friends in the world of gambling and those people understand the weakness which can always bring the addict back to the drawing board. Here comes another “get rich quick” scheme. The gambling addict plays right into it. The gambling joints, casinos, the people, the boos, the women and many other things need to be removed in order for the gambler to have a successful chance at recovery.

The biggest problem with all of that is it takes more than willpower to even accept that life has gotten unmanageable and it will take a mountain of movement to change it. Unfortunately, faith in addicted people is very minimal as the promises made over time, have rarely come to fruition. Without trust from loved ones, or other supports, it makes recovery a lonesome task. Sometimes people won’t even tackle the job because they feel no one believes in them, they’ve lost everything, and it just doesn’t seem worth the trouble.

Truth is, it is more than worth the trouble. I know.

After running from myself in years of active addiction, I got so overwhelmed with what I had to face if I got sober, that I (being the risk taker that I am) gave in. I actually was throwing in the towel on life. I wanted life to be different. I didn’t care what changed, but something had to give. My freedom from that bondage surely didn’t come right away. But it was worth the trek. I had to truly relieve myself of all obligations I had to “that life” and become open-minded to stay the course. It became a job and I felt like it was reachable, just at a super far distance. Little did I know, the most challenging part was going to be for me to let go of my “ideologies” of superiority (they were false anyhow), and listen to reason. What a heck of a list!

The decision was to go with it, or not go with it. I had to want to get sober and live that way “for real,” and do what it took to achieve that feat. And it was a FEAT! I have to share an important factor. I did not want to give up the freedoms that being irresponsible gave me. As long as I was running, I could live how I wanted, maybe not with WHAT I wanted, but free nonetheless. No rules, no cares, no responsibilities. If any of these came up, I bucked them of course. It was challenging to quit using and abusing.

The final deciding factor was my sanity. I knew if I stayed on the road to destruction, I would have no sanity. I didn’t want to die without having my faculties. I wanted to at least “go out” coherently. So, I did it. In 2009, I gave up that continuous battle that was leading nowhere or to an early death, and I went in full force. Slowly but surely, I made it out and guess what? I still have my sanity– for the most part. If you are wondering what to do next, just decide what it is you want. Once you make that decision, it may be easier to sort out your confusion and do something about how you want to live out the rest of your life. I know things will happen and some of them may make me question my desires and coping skills, but I also know that today I actually care about more than forgetting things with medication. I get to feel real feelings, that don’t always feel so great. I get to enjoy my children and be available for all their needs. And, I get to indulge in life without feeling like I forgot many parts of it. I am present today. I chose “to.”

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