What a beautiful morning! It’s raining slightly, skies are gray and the glorious sun hasn’t peeked out from behind it’s cloud haven just yet. A day like this in Pennsylvania during this time of year, would most definitely be cold. Not in South Florida. But this is truly a great start to the day.
I recall many days, dark like this, feeling fearful, shameful or anxious about events from the night before or what lies ahead. Having to go to any appointment was too much of a task most of the time- let alone a rainy day. Oh, and those mandatory visits to a probation officer, knowing there was a possibility to get a drug test “on the spot,” which meant possibly going to jail- “on the spot.” Those days and taking a drug test were like walking to the gallows. I always got the worst punishment possible when I got into trouble, no matter how minor the infraction. It’s like God was letting me know through that discipline, I was on the wrong road– seriously! Eventually I listened and jumped the rails.
Taking that drug test this morning was a reminder of how much I’ve matured as a woman. I wasn’t afraid of the results, but I did have a few moments of reflection. I remember the fear of knowing my urine was dirty and I was already on probation. I always knew I was going to be locked up. But that also raised more questions. Why didn’t my P.O. send me to treatment instead of jail for hot urines. It was obvious I couldn’t stay clean. I needed help.
However, I must say this: Everything isn’t for everybody. As crazy as it may sound, those times I had to sit, saved my life. I had time to recoup and think about my life. I didn’t get “it” right away, but when I did– it was worth it! As I embark on another position to help another person in need, I will keep in mind how much it took for me to “get right.” Of course, no enabling permitted!
Dimensions of Addictions 