As we enter this month of Recovery awareness, I’m faced with new opportunities to stay in the “green”. I had a long journey in my earlier years. I really indulged in the “otherworld-ness” of life. I chose the roads that were filled with ifs, maybe, and but. It kept me going, in the “other” direction. I thought I was going to stay there, so I got comfortable. I made it casual and started making the decision to “flaunt” my shame instead of hide and be even more miserable.
But it made sense at the time. I look now in front of me and there are so many options. My head is clear (which isn’t always the “cats meow”)– I can make decisions without wondering the next day, “What was I thinking?” I am so grateful that I have to feel everything, because after I stepped through all the slushy-slosh, I can say I meant it. And, that feels good.
I recently have been working to establish my circumstances in areas in which I recently could not invest. My background experiences have left me to wallow through some old slushy-slosh, and dig up “stuff” that hasn’t left the best impression on the systems we are governed by. In doing that, I came across an old expense that– now that I’ve brought attention to it, (20 year old legal costs/fees), my inner self will not let me keep that on record. So, I dug deep in my wallet and pulled out my hard earned funds and paid that whopping, haunting, and disgraceful since it is soo old, payment to relieve the world of that ever so deserved debt. (I frowned)
I did not know that I would drop tears and feel it in my chest, after hitting submit. I called them, to pay them, and I cried. Go figure!
I don’t know the reason I cried. I do know that the icky feelings were in my gut and lasted throughout this day. Did I cry because I was ridding myself of that part of my past, clearing some more air? Or, was I so “butt-hurt” because they didn’t tell me, since I was calling in to cover the debt, and I had done so well since my past, that I had “done a great job,” that I couldn’t help but cry? Probably the infamous combination of the two.
I can say that I’m grateful I can be responsible today. It’s been a long road and a full plate of practice with that, but I am better off on this path. I’m still here. I didn’t think I would be. So, for that, I will take that 20 year old, too high, paid off debt– on the chin. I will drink the sweet juices of sobriety as long as I have breath.