Up the Road

As we enter this month of Recovery awareness, I’m faced with new opportunities to stay in the “green”. I had a long journey in my earlier years. I really indulged in the “otherworld-ness” of life. I chose the roads that were filled with ifs, maybe, and but. It kept me going, in the “other” direction. I thought I was going to stay there, so I got comfortable. I made it casual and started making the decision to “flaunt” my shame instead of hide and be even more miserable.


But it made sense at the time. I look now in front of me and there are so many options. My head is clear (which isn’t always the “cats meow”)– I can make decisions without wondering the next day, “What was I thinking?” I am so grateful that I have to feel everything, because after I stepped through all the slushy-slosh, I can say I meant it. And, that feels good.

I recently have been working to establish my circumstances in areas in which I recently could not invest. My background experiences have left me to wallow through some old slushy-slosh, and dig up “stuff” that hasn’t left the best impression on the systems we are governed by. In doing that, I came across an old expense that– now that I’ve brought attention to it, (20 year old legal costs/fees), my inner self will not let me keep that on record. So, I dug deep in my wallet and pulled out my hard earned funds and paid that whopping, haunting, and disgraceful since it is soo old, payment to relieve the world of that ever so deserved debt. (I frowned)

I did not know that I would drop tears and feel it in my chest, after hitting submit. I called them, to pay them, and I cried. Go figure!

I don’t know the reason I cried. I do know that the icky feelings were in my gut and lasted throughout this day. Did I cry because I was ridding myself of that part of my past, clearing some more air? Or, was I so “butt-hurt” because they didn’t tell me, since I was calling in to cover the debt, and I had done so well since my past, that I had “done a great job,” that I couldn’t help but cry? Probably the infamous combination of the two.

I can say that I’m grateful I can be responsible today. It’s been a long road and a full plate of practice with that, but I am better off on this path. I’m still here. I didn’t think I would be. So, for that, I will take that 20 year old, too high, paid off debt– on the chin. I will drink the sweet juices of sobriety as long as I have breath.

In Love with Agony

Extended, severe, and suffering are three words that you’ll find in most definitions of the word agony. It would seem crazy for a person to be in agony if they are not personally the cause. Except, when we love, care about or nurture, and genuinely make it our responsibility to be there for others, we can also tend to take on their pain or the pain they inflict, whether it be physical or emotional. Some people will stay with that pain for a long time, simply because of their feelings for the person causing the pain. And some will not be as eager to hold onto that negative emotion or relationship because they just aren’t “built” for that and can get up and leave.

When a person is displaying negative behaviors, in a relationship or in general, people nearby are affected. If the person’s behavior is a “symptom” of their addiction, it is not likely the easiest thing to deal with. Countless times I’ve had to support a person through a treatment period and ended up spending a majority of the time dealing with or supporting the broken-hearted loved ones. Those hurt loved ones seem self-centered at first glance and once you get past that judgement period, you realize they feel backed into corners and don’t know which way to go to get out. And it’s not clear they want out, but they are looking for a solution. They want to change what’s been going on. But when they realize they cannot change the addict loved one, they lose hope without support and encouragement.

That’s the part that always tugs at my heart strings. Watching the pain and suffering of a person who loves an addict and just wants them to get better, last foe years and years. It’s not their fault at first; they didn’t know what was coming. Boy, dealing with an addict who just wants their “thing” is the most painful experience that truly let’s you know that you are not in control. When you’ve had enough, and it doesn’t stop, you can’t figure out quickly enough, “why is this like this?”

It becomes more agony filled when you are looking at the addict, their support or loved ones, and their cycle that isn’t changing because people don’t know, what they don’t know. They don’t have to let the addiction cause them as much pain as it does for the addict. It’s a matter of realizing how to let go of the reins. You don’t owe yourself to sit and suffer through, and there’s no need with all of the help that is available. If you are a person dealing with an addict and their addiction, work toward getting help for yourself and then maybe your courage and strength will rub off. There has been known to be such a thing as “too late.”